“We choose which narrative to believe in, to make sense of our present reality.” – Jerry Alex Corona
People often make up excuses for why they are where they are, or why they haven’t achieved what they’d like to.
We’ve all heard excuses like, “I’d have my own business by now, but no one wants to work.” “I’d have my degree by now, but I got pregnant.” “I’d have my house by now, but my kid ruined my credit.” “I’d go to the gym, but I get out late from work.” “I’d write more, but I’ve been busy working on other things (that’s my excuse).”
I think you get the point.
Over the years, I’ve noticed that we also tell ourselves and believe stories that align with our current goals (or lack thereof).
For example, imagine that Ted dropped out of college because he was no longer eligible for financial aid due to his grades. He now works at a job he hates for minimum wage. His friends tell him to look for another job, but he doesn’t even try. He tells them there’s no point because he believes he can’t get a good job without a degree. So, he stays in the job he resents, and this affects other areas of his life—his finances, friendships, relationships, and more. Ted has given up and remains content with his life, believing the narrative he repeats to himself as if it were a mantra. His goal is not to try, so he convinces himself that without a degree, he can’t get a well-paying job. No well-paying job, no nice house or car. No success. Why even try?
Now, let’s meet Trina. She also dropped out of college because she got pregnant and had to raise her newborn. She could easily tell herself that school is no longer in her future because she is now a single mother and needs to be there for her child. Instead, she tells herself that she must finish school to better provide for her daughter. She finds programs to help with daycare costs, works during the day, and takes evening classes. Her goal is to provide for her daughter. She believes that a degree will help her become financially stable, allowing her to provide a better life for her child—better pay, a better neighborhood, and better education. So, she does what is needed to get her diploma.
Both Trina and Ted had two options: let their circumstances dictate their future or take control and determine the life they want to lead.
I was in a similar situation myself years ago. I was unhappy with myself and the life I was living. I couldn’t keep a job and couldn’t even afford a Happy Meal for my daughters. I believed that my miserable life was a consequence of my actions and past behaviors. In a sense, I was okay with the pain because I told myself that I didn’t deserve to be happy. I was punishing myself. I would often cry, wishing to be a different person or for things to end, but I carried on believing my stories and remained wallowing in my sorrows. I chose to believe that these were the consequences of my actions and that I just had to accept them.
I realized that I would never change my reality until I changed my narrative.
I learned to forgive myself for my past mistakes and let go of that version of me. I was no longer the Jerry I had been. I said goodbye to that person and began creating a new me. We cannot move forward without letting go of the past. The labels I had put on the old Jerry no longer applied to the new me. I broke free from those labels and the stories I believed.
I was no longer a bad person, a bad father, a bad son, a bad brother, a bad friend, a bad partner, or any of the negative things I believed I was.
I started telling myself that I was an honest person, a loving dad, a good son, a great brother, and a dedicated partner (I’m sorry).
Years later, I can honestly say that I am happy and don’t miss the old me. I have everything I want and still strive to be the best person I can be for my children, parents, and sister. As for relationships, I tell myself that I’m too busy working on goals and too dedicated to my kids (I’m 99% sure that narrative is true, though).
Now, my reality is completely different from what it once was, and all I had to do was change my narrative.
So, ask yourself: Are you happy with your current lifestyle? Do you wish something were different? What stories have you told yourself to justify your stagnation?
Don’t believe everything you tell yourself. You deserve more.
