I’ll be home later. I’m just with the guys drinking a few beers. You made dinner? Awww… thank you. I’ll eat it tomorrow. Don’t wait up. I don’t wanna keep you up. I won’t be long. I love you. Bye.
Shut the fuck up. She doesn’t say shit. *snort* Fuck, that shit’s good. Do we still have more? If not, I’ll call Mark for a front. I’ll get us another forty. I’m gonna get a beer. Quien quiere?
I’m sorry. I’m too tired. Can’t you go by yourself? Just tell your mom you’re not feeling well. Tell her Sarah doesn’t feel good. Tell her she has a fever. You can just visit your parents next week. Can you make something to eat? I’m getting hungry.
I’m sorry. I forgot we were gonna go to the movies. I told the guys I’d go with them for Adrian’s birthday. You remember Adrian and Raul, right? They’re in town and they wanna hangout. I haven’t seen them in a while. I’ll make it up to you. I’ll take you wherever you wanna go. Alright? Thank you. I love you. I’ll see you later.
Mark, what’s up bro? Can I roll by? You working? Yeah, I’m chillin’ with the homies. I got a bill, can you hook me up? Make it fat. You know I got you on Friday. We’re going to the bar. You could hang with us. Hey, you got any ice? I told homeboy about it and I was gonna hook him up with a line or something. You know I got you.
Hey babe. The guys are coming over to watch the game tonight. I told them you’d be ok with it. You’re ok with it, right? C’mon, I never have the guys over. That was like last month. Please. I let you go out with Becky last week. Ok, ok. Thanks. Love you. We won’t be loud.
Nah, she don’t say shit. Shut the fuck up, I ain’t whooped. I do what I want. haha Man, shut up foo, give a beer before I kick your ass out.
I’m sorry baby. I can’t pick you up this weekend. I have to work. You still wanna come over? I don’t have anyone to watch you. I can’t take you to work. I promise I’ll pick you up next weekend. We’ll go watch Brave. We’ll go eat McDonald’s too. I promise. Ok? I love you. Bye. Muuuaah.
Sarah’s eyes begin to tear as she wonders why I don’t pick her up as often. She waits by the phone, hoping I’ll change my mind and call her back. But I don’t.
What’s up, Mark. You working? Can I stop by? I got what I owe you. And can I get another forty? Yeah, ice. Is it the same shit? That shit was good. That shit burned. Yeah. I was gone for days. Alright, I’m just gonna stop at an ATM. You want anything from the store? Alright, I’ll text you when I’m outside.
I’m ok, baby. Watch the movie. I’m just gonna keep working on this website, ok? I’m not tired. You can lay down. I’m just trying to figure this out. Go to sleep ok. I promise. I’ll go to bed in a bit. I’m almost done with this. Here, hug your piggy. I’m ok. I’m not tired. I love you, ok. Muuuuaaah. *snort*
She clutches her piggy and pulls the blanket over her face. Her eyes glisten in the light of the TV. She’s not old enough to know what’s happening, but she can feel it. Something is wrong with me.
There were too many of those nights. I still remember them vividly. I forget everything. Why can’t I forget that?
Because I can use it as an excuse. And I did.
That was my exit: my excuse to keep doing drugs. I used to do drugs for fun until I couldn’t stop.
I don’t even remember when the drugs took over, when they became more important than her, than them. But somewhere, somehow, it happened—and it cost me everything.
I lost my girl-THE girl. I lost my family. The best people in my life saw the worst version of me. My daughters, my mom, my sister, my dad, my….. my…. she’s not my anything. She is HER.
I know it’s a cliché, but we don’t appreciate what we have until we lose it.
And I destroyed it all.
She found me—lying dead on my apartment floor, days later. I wouldn’t answer her calls, so she went to check on me. I hadn’t eaten or drank anything for days. My place was a mess. The windows had sheets over them and I’m sure there was a foul stench in the air. When was the last time I showered?
Even after death, she didn’t deserve to see me this way—the shocking image now permanently etched in her mind. And now… I can never say I’m sorry.
Time doesn’t pass the same when you’re dead. Regret. Love. Peace. Lost moments—they all hit at once, visions of a life I can never touch again. And yet, I still feel it. I still feel them. But they don’t feel me.
They’ve moved on, forgotten about me. I guess I don’t exist anymore—hell, I don’t.
She got married. Some guy she works with. I don’t like him. I don’t know him, but I don’t. He’s replaced me.
I can tell she’s happy. I can see it now—her face lights up when he walks in. I miss that. I miss her smile. She laughs at his jokes. But he’s not even funny. I miss the sound of her laugh… the one that was only ever for me. He does something that I was never able to. He’s there. With her. That’s all she ever wanted. Why couldn’t I do that?
He’s nothing like me. What does she see in him? He’s boring. He’s, he’s… what I should’ve been-for her. I had her. I lost her. I miss her. All I want is to spend one more moment with her.
He tries to talk to my daughter, but she ignores him. She doesn’t open up to him. I can see that she feels a bit of hatred towards him, but it’s not his fault. I don’t blame her. In a way, I’m proud of her. Fuck him. He’s not her dad. But at the same time, he means no harm. He loves her mom.
Do they ever think about me? Maybe when they hear an old song or see someone who reminds them of me. Or maybe I’m just a faded memory, lost in the past.
Fuck. Why couldn’t I just love her? Did I love her?
She was the best for me. She made me happy. She liked what I liked. She completed me. She did what I wanted. She… she….
Damn.
How could I have missed it? How could I have been so blind?
It was never about me. It was about her.
She was the best thing that happened to me. But I was never the best for her.
She deserved more. She deserves more.
She deserves more than me, she deserves more than him.
She deserves a man who will see her for what she truly is… perfect. The way I should have.
Love isn’t about me.
True love is about what I can do for her.
How can I make her day better? How can I make her better?
I wasn’t supposed to be with my friends, I was supposed to be at home with her. I wasn’t supposed to be with her, I was supposed to support her. I wasn’t supposed to support her, I was supposed to believe in her. I wasn’t supposed to believe in her, I was supposed to cherish her. I wasn’t supposed to cherish her, I was supposed to stand next to her. I was supposed to be with her. I was supposed to hear her. That’s all she ever wanted, for me to see her as she was, hear her, and hold onto her.
Now I truly love her, but it’s a moment too late.
For her love has gone… to another.
And I stand here watching, while another man begins to take her love for granted.
For he should adore her, the way I now do.
Or else he too, will become a memory as I have.
