“Yo soy responsable de mi mensaje, no del testigo
Y de él dependerá hacerlo un harapo o un abrigo.” -Solitario
I know I can sound sanctimonious at times, but that’s not my intention. I understand that not everyone will like what I have to say, and that’s okay. This isn’t for everyone. I don’t claim to know right from wrong—I just know what’s right and wrong for me.
I’m not saying you have to agree with or believe me. I also don’t care about what you think of my writing. I do this for myself. If I wrote with everyone’s opinions in mind, these wouldn’t be my words. They’d either be what I think you’d want to hear or a fake version of me that I’d want you to believe is me. Fuck that.
Words changed my life, and I believe they can help others. I’m not saying this will work for you, but if it worked for me, it might work for others. And to those who find something useful here—this is for you.
“Se que la vida es un juego, al que jugué como un idiota
Por seguir sus reglas determinadas por el azar.” -Solitario
Did you know that most of us end up living lives similar to our parents’? If my dad watched football on Sundays and drank beer, chances are I would too. If my dad yelled at my mom and complained about his job, I’d likely do the same. If my parents struggled with money, you guessed it, so would I.
I don’t like traditions because they prevent me from being myself. I don’t do holidays or birthdays because they feel arbitrary to me. I don’t celebrate my birthday because it’s just another day. Why should I wait until THAT DAY to eat cake and get drunk with hookers? I’m an adult; I can do that whenever I want. I’m just kidding—I don’t get drunk. Also, I don’t need gifts. I can buy my own stuff. I’d rather spend time with you doing something fun, instead of receiving a gift that’ll be junk in a couple of months. (And since I don’t like junk, I’ll end up throwing it away.)
The same goes for holidays. I don’t need Valentine’s Day to express my love for you. On that day, almost every guy rushes to buy the same shit as the next guy. C’mon guys, it’s the same date every year. Why are you at Walmart at the last minute trying to buy flowers? Now I have to wait in a long ass line to buy my daughter’s Cap’n Crunch.
If I want to show my love, I spend time with you and plan exciting, creative activities any day. I’d listen to what you really need or would like, then surprise you when you least expect it.
I know you said you miss your mom, so I called her and got you tickets to fly out to see her. Don’t worry about me—I’ll stay here. You’ll tell me all about it when you get back. I love you. (No cheesy card needed.)
Most of us do what everyone else is doing or what our families did when we were younger. We not only look like our parents but also behave and hold the same beliefs. Chances are you still use the same brands, eat the same foods, and follow the same recipes as them. If they were religious and watched the news, you probably do too. If they struggled with budgeting, you likely do as well. You might even live in the same city or town and have attended the same schools.
So, when do your parents’ beliefs and behaviors end, and when does the real you begin? Do you do things just because they were always done that way? Just because I’m Mexican, do I have to behave like a Mexican? Just because I’m a man, do I have to like certain things? Just because I was born in a certain country does that mean I have to have a specific faith? No, I don’t.
I can choose what’s right for me, and what’s right for me today might not be right for me tomorrow. We live our lives based on what we’re used to and familiar with. But we will not grow if we keep doing the same things we’ve always done. We have to create a new path—a path different from the herd, different from our families, different from society.
Yes, it will be difficult at first. Your friends and family will criticize and judge you. They will try to hold you back and keep you where they want you, and they’ll most likely succeed. They don’t do it on purpose; it’s just that they project their own fears onto others.
There will come a moment when you realize who truly respects you for being yourself, instead of who they want you to be. You don’t have to be like everyone else. You don’t have to play by the same rules. You can create your own.
How do we break the cycle? How can I stop being me?
“Destruí mi ego y luego reconstruí.” -Solitario
In psychology, our ego is the identity we create for ourselves, made up of our thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and values. You can think of it as a collection of labels.
We create a self based on all the labels we place on ourselves, such as Christian, American, woman, Black, and middle-class. We also use labels like hard-working, friendly, classy, talkative, etc. Our self also expands to what we own or possess, such as a degree, a luxurious home, an expensive car, or fancy jewelry.
But here’s the thing: what we do and what we have are not who we are. My behaviors and possessions are not who I am. No nationality, race, or any other adjective defines me. Those are just labels we use to categorize and separate ourselves.
This is a different topic, but we are all one. We are not separate from each other; we are all from the same energy. That’s why we sometimes pick up on bad or good vibes from people. Essentially, we are vibing off each other’s energy.
Back to our identity: we are not our possessions, we are not what we do, and we are not what others think of us. Just because someone thinks I’m a bad dad doesn’t mean I am one; that’s just what they think of me. I’m not going to waste time or energy trying to change their mind. I don’t need anyone’s approval or validation because I know I’m not a bad dad.
Haven’t you ever done something and wondered why? You might think, “That wasn’t me, why did I do that?” It’s because we sometimes act without thinking, making decisions that aren’t aligned with our beliefs or better judgment. Maybe you stole something as a teenager, but that doesn’t make you a thief. You just stole something when you were younger.
Now, if you’re still stealing gum or eyeliner, you might just be a thief. But if you’ve been following along, what I think of you is not who you are. Say “fuck you, Jerry”—I’m a badass, and you’re just too scared to do it. Maybe. Maybe not. All I know is that I don’t have to prove anything to you because I know who I am and what I’m not. (I ain’t scared. …until the cops show up.)
They say (who says?) the older you are, the harder it is to change. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to get my grandma to stop calling me Chotu. Yo soy Jerry. Or maybe it’s her dementia. Estoy jugando, abuelita. Chotu te ama. (I don’t know who Chotu is.) But the older we are, the more we believe in our self-created identity.
It’s not impossible, but it will take more work. After years of being called fat, I started believing that’s who I am. But really, I just have bad eating habits. I must stop labeling myself as fat and start seeing myself as a healthy person with bad eating habits. I must believe that I’m a healthy person. What do healthy people do? They eat healthy foods and stay active.
If someone tells you all your life that you’re lazy and dumb, you’ll start believing it. What started as bad habits and being miseducated becomes your identity. Once you believe you’re dumb and lazy, you’ll start acting dumb and lazy. You’ll sleep all day and act like Patrick Star.
The kids we label “bad” might not mean to behave badly, but once they start hearing it, they’ll start acting as such. They’ll get in trouble and talk back because they believe that’s who they are.
I’m here to tell you that you are not what others say you are. You are not your possessions, your clothes, your race, or your past behaviors. You are who you choose to be.
You may have made mistakes, but that doesn’t define who you are. Unless you want to keep being a stoner, a slut, a pushover, or whatever. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being any of those things. Be whatever you want to be. Do whatever you want to do.
But if you’re tired of getting the same results—dating the same kind of assholes, working at the same job while waiting for the yearly 25-cent raise, struggling to find clothes that fit, or being broke while trying to impress your friends—know that changing the way you think of yourself can lead to better results.
“Tuve que salir de mí para llegar hasta aquí.” -Solitario
Okay, I don’t want to be a junkie anymore. What should I do? First, stop labeling yourself as a junkie. You are not a junkie; you have a drug addiction. Actually, scratch that—you don’t have a drug addiction, you have a drug habit. To stop the behavior of using drugs, you need to disassociate yourself from this identity.
As long as you think of yourself as a drug addict, you’ll continue behaving like one. What do drug addicts do? They hang out with other drug addicts. Most addicts have triggers that set their habits into motion. In fact, all habits have triggers. For example, you might pull out your phone to watch videos while you eat because your trigger is sitting down to eat. Or maybe your trigger is sitting on the toilet, and the habit is scrolling through TikTok.
Triggers for drug addicts might include certain friends, weekends, or having drinks. Whatever the trigger, you need to remove it. You might even have to cut off certain people or activities from your life, at least temporarily. It’s crucial to disassociate yourself from the drug addict persona you’ve come to believe is you.
Now, you can also use labels to your advantage. I went from being a junkie (yes, I used to call myself one) to being a reader, writer, and coder. These are things I wanted to improve at, so I started calling myself a reader and began reading more because that’s what readers do. What do writers do? They write, so I began writing more. I also code because that’s what coders do.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that I’m none of these things because my actions don’t define me. They’re just things I do. But I feel so much better as a writer than as a drug addict. I’ll leave the drugs to the experts.
If you’re tired of being broke, stop thinking of yourself as broke. You just have bad money habits, but those can be fixed. There are thousands of books, audiobooks, and videos that teach you how to manage your money. I learned to save and manage my finances by borrowing books from the library and watching YouTube videos.
Once you start gaining knowledge and applying it, you’ll see your money begin to pile up. Start by paying off debts or saving a little from each paycheck. Gradually, you’ll feel better about yourself and build confidence. You’ll no longer see yourself as broke but as financially smart or whatever empowering label suits you. People will notice the positive change in how you carry yourself.
I hear people say they always date liars or jerks. After a while, it stops being a complaint and starts sounding like a proud statement. Guess what? You’ll keep finding those guys because you keep attracting them. If you keep getting into bad relationships, the problem is probably you.
Maybe you don’t need a relationship right now; maybe you need to work on yourself first. I wasn’t ready for anyone because I wasn’t even right for myself. I had to change who I thought I was. If I didn’t love myself, how could I love someone else? I wasn’t happy with my life, so why would I want to drag anyone into my bullshit?
By letting go of my ego and releasing the identity I once had, I was able to create a better and much happier life for myself. My fear of letting go of who I thought I was had held me back for so long, but no more. I will continue to take risks and learn from my mistakes, because that’s where true growth lies.
I will find solace in discomfort and pain because I know I can overcome anything. And so can you. I can live with the mistakes I’ve made, but I won’t be able to live with the thought of not doing something out of fear of doing it. Will you?
